I am feeling a little grumbly today. There is a fascinating book I am reading on human sexual strategies from an evolutionary standpoint that I would love to be commenting on (and will later), but I just can't focus.
I am leaving for Portland tomorrow. Most of my family lives in Oregon. I haven't been there for over five years, though, if that reveals anything. Well, part of it reveals my reluctance to travel with kids, but mostly it reveals a reluctance to visit family. My last visit "home" was a disaster, so was the one before that. My family's visits to see me have varied. My theory is that one-on-one visits are fine, but the more of us that get together, the closer the dynamic shifts back to our very unhealthy original dynamic. My family.... is complicated, let's just say that.
I am trying not to feel stress and anxiety about it, and most of it will be fine, but there are at least two events that will be very difficult. One is visiting one of my sisters who is in prison (I haven't said that out loud to very many people). I want to cry even thinking about it. The other is meeting with my mom. My relationship with her is painful and almost impossible. We haven't been speaking. We go through this cycle where we are talking, we have the inevitable break-up, and then we go for months without speaking much, then there is an invitation to resume relations. I am at the point, after so many cycles, where I am hesitant to resume relations. It is excruciating.
I hate Mother's day. Even though I am a mother and loved G's hugs and kisses (Nico is stubborn), I would gladly forego breakfast in bed and gifts to not have to face the dilemma with my own mom: do I call or not and what does it mean either way? I called.
In other news...
I have been getting estimates for shipping our boxes to Chile and have been terrified about making a grave mistake in choosing a shipping company. In the meantime, there are signs that our buyer for the house is having issues. It may work out just fine, but my fear is that at the last minute it won't, we will have shipped our things and sold everything else and will be sleeping on the floor eating microwaved popcorn off of paper plates (maybe I should visualize Chinese take-out) for months waiting for another buyer. GAH!! So cross your fingers.
As we get closer and closer to the big move, my feet feel wetter and wetter. This post has already been so relaxed and joyous that I'll save those fears for another day.
Can you tell anxiety is an issue for me...?