Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Disgruntled

I am feeling a little grumbly today. There is a fascinating book I am reading on human sexual strategies from an evolutionary standpoint that I would love to be commenting on (and will later), but I just can't focus.

I am leaving for Portland tomorrow. Most of my family lives in Oregon. I haven't been there for over five years, though, if that reveals anything. Well, part of it reveals my reluctance to travel with kids, but mostly it reveals a reluctance to visit family. My last visit "home" was a disaster, so was the one before that. My family's visits to see me have varied. My theory is that one-on-one visits are fine, but the more of us that get together, the closer the dynamic shifts back to our very unhealthy original dynamic. My family.... is complicated, let's just say that.

I am trying not to feel stress and anxiety about it, and most of it will be fine, but there are at least two events that will be very difficult. One is visiting one of my sisters who is in prison (I haven't said that out loud to very many people). I want to cry even thinking about it. The other is meeting with my mom. My relationship with her is painful and almost impossible. We haven't been speaking. We go through this cycle where we are talking, we have the inevitable break-up, and then we go for months without speaking much, then there is an invitation to resume relations. I am at the point, after so many cycles, where I am hesitant to resume relations. It is excruciating.

I hate Mother's day. Even though I am a mother and loved G's hugs and kisses (Nico is stubborn), I would gladly forego breakfast in bed and gifts to not have to face the dilemma with my own mom: do I call or not and what does it mean either way? I called.

....................................

In other news...

I have been getting estimates for shipping our boxes to Chile and have been terrified about making a grave mistake in choosing a shipping company. In the meantime, there are signs that our buyer for the house is having issues. It may work out just fine, but my fear is that at the last minute it won't, we will have shipped our things and sold everything else and will be sleeping on the floor eating microwaved popcorn off of paper plates (maybe I should visualize Chinese take-out) for months waiting for another buyer. GAH!! So cross your fingers.

As we get closer and closer to the big move, my feet feel wetter and wetter. This post has already been so relaxed and joyous that I'll save those fears for another day.

Can you tell anxiety is an issue for me...?

12 comments:

mosey said...

I sure do wish I could be there too, if only to be a distraction! I'll be thinking of you from a little further down the coast, keeping my fingers crossed that the visit is positive.

With all on your plate right now, it's no wonder you're disgruntled. (which is just about my favourite word)

Travel safe, my bloggy pal.

Phoenix said...

Wish I could give you a calming hug.

Days that celebrate the parents are always super-complicated, because our relationships are. No family is without their drama...I hope you find peace with your family, regardless of the outcome. We all deserve that, at the very least.

Margaret said...

good vibes to Annje
good vibes to Annje
good vibes to Annje....

3rd time's a charm?
Good luck!

Heather said...

Good luck with your visit, I'll send you some positive vibes as well. I recognize some of those feelings (with my dad) to call...not to call. Bleh.

Also good vibes for the house...My sub-letter just fell through, so now I'm on the prowl once again to find someone.

Have a good and safe trip.

Lou said...

Oh Annje I know exactly how you feel! For months all I could think about was moving to Chile! But it was always a distant dream. Now I´m moving there in exactly 1 month and I´m starting to freak out just a little bit. Like, oh my god, I need to do this before I go, and this...and this...and I need to spend more time with this person...and this person...and do I really want to leave Canada for this long? What if I never come back!? Ahghghgh!!!! Panic! Anxiety! Hyperventilation!!!

My toughts and good vibes are with you! Just know you´re not alone!

teamawesomesquared said...

Yet another post that I strongly identify with - amazing!

A couple of comments:

Careful with a lot of the mainstream evolutionary psych stuff. I come from that background and a lot of it can be garbage. A lot can be strangely curious too. If you're interested in chatting about it, let me know.

The other thing is that I totally understand one-on-one with family kind of dynamic. Get more than two of us together and watch out! As for the situation with your mom, it sounds tough. I'm experiencing something similar... I too am tired of the rollercoaster relationship, and have essentially cut it out of my life. It's been a difficult decision, but one for the better thus far. In any case, I suppose time will tell. Best of luck to you in your own situation though.

Annje said...

Mosey--wish you could be there too... sometime, somewhere.

Thanks to all of you for the good vibes!

teamawesome--the book is called the Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating by David Buss... Do you know it? It is from 1994 (which is about when I bought it... ahh) I am not sure if it is considered mainstream evol. psych...? I don't know how to classify it. But it is fascinating. I'll post about it and you can give me your thoughts.

Danielle said...

I do hope everything works out okay for you! I will pray for you. Good luck on you trip.

Eileen said...

fingers crossed for stars aligning in every way possible for a peaceful time with family and no trouble with the buyers. And anxiety is a bitch, no matter how you look at it.

((((hugs))))

Sara said...

Good luck on both. I wish you the best when you see your mom and with your buyer.

teamawesomesquared said...

I'm very familiar with Buss and his book. :) I'd be glad to read and respond to your posts.

Sarah said...

Is it too late for you to get this comment? Anyhow, I really hope that your visit was much better than you expected. I think you are wonderful. The way you speak is so eloquent, kind, patient, intelligent, and not judgmental. Anyhow, I hope that our game nights and trips to downtown served as a good family visit feeling. The ways family should interact! :)